In Grandma’s Womb
Shared, eternal Mom space
All the millions of oocytes/eggs a woman will ever carry in her ovaries are created while she is in her mother's womb. The egg cell that eventually grew into you was already forming in one of your mom’s ovaries when she was a fetus inside of her Mom, your Grandma. While your maternal Grandma was pregnant with your mom, she was physically carrying both your mom and the early blueprint for you at the same time. When your mom eventually became pregnant with you, the specific egg cell that became you was fertilized, combining your mother and father's genetic material. You are the sum total of all your foremothers' experiences, and more.
We are all carried by a long line of women, and personhood happens via a lamp that has been getting lit for a very, very long time. Distinct life moments taught me this lesson experientially, and it's not a read for the taboo-shy amongst you. I wondered, "why am I like this?" Why do I feel I have been personally violated for as long as I can remember. Why does rage instantly rise inside me in rooms, conversations and environments where women are being diminished, devalued, disenfranchised, used, played with, stereotyped, judged, ridiculed, objectified and disrespected? Because my female ancestors were. On behalf of them, I avenge that.
We embody so much more than we've experienced since our actual birth date. We experienced what our mother experienced during pregnancy. She, what her mother did. She, what her mother did. Imagine how many mothers have carried us to this moment. I tell you, we have access to them, and the floodgates will open when we need their grace. My direct connection with these foremothers became available to me surrounding pregnancy and birth; however, it was years in the making, since I was a child, that imbalance of power irked me bad.
The power of a woman, the status, the strength, resilience and beauty always felt self evident and sanctified; however, in many of our cultures, riddled and bombarded with disempowering narratives, a woman’s self worth is often determined via the gaze and acceptance of a man. Embedded transgenerationally, this often unconscious pattern is contagious in family and social structures. The whispering of my ancestors provided a radar for what fortifies toxic gender characteristics, both masculine and feminine, and empowered me to call it out, deconstruct and demolish it as a barrier to my personal evolution.
Self-betrayal for the sake of being held in some form of esteem by a man ended for me, one clear day, when that line of sacred women I emanate from beamed me with a wisdom I could no longer ignore. Self evident, it became, when someone in a position of power who highly favored me began to readily ignore me the moment I said, “no.” His ego went flat. It wasn’t the first man, nor the last, nor the first time I had to do this, but it irreversibly clicked for me. If I have to cater to you and betray myself in order for you to treat me with equity and human dignity, you’re getting cut off from any form of intimacy with me whatsoever.
I said no for me, and for every other woman in my Mom’s line (and my Dad’s line) who did not feel safe or behaviorally equipped to say no. I suffered, yet in that suffering, I grew into a self confident, self loving, grown and healing woman. Still doing the work, for my Mom, my Grandma, the Nonna-s from time immemorial. For my son, his partners, my possible grandchildren. For my students. And my future lives. Certain lessons feel timely, and in this lifetime, I thank all the Moms who carried us for that seed of intrinsic worth that blossoms within me.